Author Archives: Alison Bowman

Meet Superstar Cat Johnny:

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Johnny is one dang ambitious celebrity cat.

Meet cat superstar Johnny, a charismatic Thai kitty on the verge of international stardom. Johnny, who played himself last year in what we assume was a hilarious and heartwarming film, claims to be the first cat with a bank account.  He clearly needs good cash-flow with his jet-set lifestyle and spendy ways.

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Here Johnny is opening his bank account, which he claims is a feline first. Johnny is “notorious for dressing like disgraced bling-bling monk ‘Luang Pu Nen Kham,’” according to the Coconuts Bangkok website.

Johnny was recently caught skinny-dipping naked on a beach vacation. Doesn’t he know those beaches are positively infested with paparazzi just waiting to get priceless pics like this? The whole thing stinks of a publicity stunt carefully executed to get Johnny more international attention. Well, it worked, because who can take their eyes off the sleek stylish short-hair with the million dollar gaze?

Kitty vacay or publicity coup? You decide.

Kitty vacay or publicity coup? You decide.

So far Thailand has kept this fabulous feline talent to itself, but they can’t hold a cat like Johnny to themselves for long. We may know next to nothing about him, but it only takes a short glance to see that this is one hot, ambitious, talented house cat. By the way, we have the
Coconuts Bangkok site to thank for the little we do know about Johnny super-cat.

So for now, superstar cat Johnny remains an enigma, a mysterious stranger to the West. If anyone can share any information about who he is, who he sleeps with, his next project, etc., we’re ready to pay very handsomely in catnip for these kinds of tasty details.

Happy hug your cat day, but Johnny prefers if you buy him a shot instead.

Happy hug your cat day, but Johnny prefers if you buy him a shot instead.

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Categories: cats, celebrities, humor, humour | Leave a comment

These Cat Criminals Defy Prison Walls AND Stereotypes

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This cat was caught smuggling contraband into prison. He was later released.

The difference between cats and dogs is clear when it comes to law enforcement.  Cops have dogs, and criminals have cats. Recent news stories suggest that cat crime is something to watch.

Today’s feline felons have found a niche in countries where, apparently, cats are allowed to roam in and out of the prisons any old time they want. Kitties have now been busted smuggling contraband into high security prisons in Russia, Eastern Europe, and beyond.

An astute guard earlier this year at Brazil’s Romero Nobrega prison noticed a cat entering the cell block wearing a little jacket that seemed suspicious. Upon pat-down, the jacket was found to contain no less than four cell phones.

In 2013, a Moldovan cat was detained for smuggling cannabis into prison using a special collar that caught a wary guard’s eye. That’s according to DailyMail.com, who also reported that one prison had caught a cat attempting to enter their compound with a saw and drill taped to its body. Now that’s brazen!

Technical questions aside (like, how??), you have to wonder what happens to the cats caught red-handed. The fate of these mules and couriers isn’t always clear. However, in the case of the Moldovan kitty, it was released on its own recognizance. Can you say “kitty sting operation”?

So far the cat prison crime wave hasn’t reached the U.S., where cats are generally not allowed to flit in and out of death row, etc. Nonetheless, the criminal-cat connection here is not a question of ‘when’ so much as ‘why?’

Last month, a Virginia television station reported that a Mexican national escaped custody by putting his GPS ankle device on his cat. It was obviously cruel, since the device had a loud alert sound and the authorities took days to show up. What’s amazing here is that an alleged hardened drug dealer from Mexico even has a cat. That really goes against all the cat-person stereotypes.

In conclusion, these criminals are dirty rotten scoundrels to recruit innocent-ish cats to their illegal activities. Cats can be criminal masterminds when badly influenced by the wrong people.  Nonetheless, some cat criminals still have too much conscience for a freewheeling life of crime.  I’m sure this cat from New York isn’t the first kitty convict to walk into the police station and turn himself in.

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“K-9 your job is mine.” Reformed cat criminals make the best police cats.

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Self Help for Cats Featured on Pet Parade

The self-help cats are very excited to be the week’s featured favorite at the Pet Parade Blog Hop! We graciously accept this sweet recognition from our cat and dog bloggin’ peers. This is the first award of any kind that the Self Help for Cats site has won, so thanks Rascal and Rocco and friends.

–The Editors

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New, Improved Ways for Cats to Get in Trouble

Stuck-cat

This is the tail of a Cairo cat stuck behind a subway wall for FIVE YEARS.

Cats are finding new ways to get themselves in trouble, and they are improving on old forms of trouble as well. Here’s just a few examples, and please feel free to share your own:

–A Florida cat recently found himself stuck inside an SUV tail light compartment, a feat most of us would have thought impossible. The alert driver noticed something was up when she saw a tail sticking out of her tail light. Nearby humans scrambled to rescue the shy stray, which took all of their big brains to figure out. Eventually kitty was freed, and is looking for a new home as of the latest report.

–In an even more-bizarre story, a cat in Cairo was freed last month from being stuck behind a subway wall for five years! The wall was built with the cat inside it, or the cat grew, or Continue reading

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Cat Meet Celt: Irish Cat Drinking Songs in Your Email

Is is too good to be true? IT IS NOT!

We can again thank the internet for bringing us Cat Drinking Songs fresh as a morning spring in your email.  Celebrate the Irish today with these delightful tunes of cats to drink by, even if your cat is on the wagon. But how can you enjoy Cat Drinking Songs from the comfort of home without running into any drunk kittens on the road?

Simply go to catdrinking.com, sign up for their newsletter, Cat Drinking Tails, and you will receive instant classics like When Kitty Eyes Are Smiling and Lord of the Pounce. Does it get any better than this??

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This Kitten is Drunk

Guinness-Cat-Parade

Why are they still serving this cat alcohol when anyone can see how dog-faced drunk he is?

Please be safe this St. Catty’s Day, because the truth is: With this kitten on the roads, no one is safe.

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Think Outside the Box, Don’t Poop Outside the Box.

If your cat is getting creative with its waste matter, as you probably groked it’s not something you want to ignore. We humans can be mighty thick when it comes to cats communicating with us, but we always seem to understand the urgency of dealing with a BM issue, be it number one or number two.

Cats who do it outside the box are sending a message, although its not entirely intuitive for humans to understand. We don’t speak cat poop, but we can have it translated for us. Really, it could be many things that the cat is trying to say. Whatever is said its certainly being said urgently by the cat. It’s best really to try to look at it from the cat’s perspective, as pissed off as you may be.

Obviously, the very first thing any expert will ask you is how clean is the box? You need to keep the box clean, or you really can’t blame kitty pooping in your shower stall.

At the same time, you want to keep in mind that it could be a health issue. Cats don’t have a lot of means for telling you they don’t feel great. The only time my Maine Coon crapped on my comforter, he was clearly having a digestive problem. This is another good reason to keep the box clean. It’s healthier and if you cat uses it, you don’t have to worry that’s he’s trying to tell you he’s sick.

I’m just lucky I have ol’ Hank to help keep our box clean. Man can clean a litter box, I tell you, and don’t think that cats don’t notice. But even we occasionally get behind on our schedule, and we’ve had issues. Trust me. Since moving to our new place, keeping the litter and pee in the box has been a handful. But that’s another story for another day.

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Read more litter-ary news from Self Help for Cats here.

Categories: Brody, cats, humor, humour, lifestyle, relationships | 1 Comment

Cats in Film 1: The Third Man and the Second Cat

Like any proper self-improvement program, the book Self Help for Cats of course has lots of successful cats populating its page, you know, good examples and role models, that sort of thing. Unfortunately, the images generated in Hollywood and other popular folklore aren’t always the “good role model” we want for our cats.

Cats in film are a fascinating bunch, and while I briefly cover cats in film in my book, I only just recently discovered a new example of a clever cat role, this in the classic black-and-white post-war drama, The Third Man. Unfortunately, upon second viewing of the cat’s pivotal performance, the scene wherein Kitty uncovers that Orson Welles’ character is alive, well, I smelled a fish.

There was something about the shot where the cat looks up and connects with the audience – it just didn’t match. And thanks to the magic of DVD, I discovered that they slipped in a second cat for that one shot! The pattern on the second cat’s face is clearly different from the kitty in all the other scenes. I could not hardly believe it! I had discovered that there was a second cat in The Third Man.

So here I am wondering about The Second Cat these many years since the film was made. I have my theories, of course, all of them inspired by the gritty intriguing underworld of post-war Vienna… probably the first cat is out running an illegal catnip ring after faking his own death. I’m open to other conspiracies and even factual accounts, as well, dear readers.

Have you any cats in film you want to share with Self Help for Cats? Together we can be vigilant watchdogs of cats’ public image, if you can forgive my using the “d” word there.

Categories: books, cats, film, humor, humour, the book | 2 Comments

Cats Gone Night Crazy? Coping with the PM Feline Freak-Out

So we bring cat in from the wild and expect it to act all sophisticated and keep a decent sleep schedule like a normal person. Next thing you know, cat needs to be checked into a padded room at the stroke of midnight. If your cat transforms from love angel to whack devil about the time you want to go to bed, don’t start Googling feline funny farms. Probably the one who needs a metaphoric lobotomy in the situation is you, the human.

Yes, it’s quite a problem that our little furries with the sharp claws happen to be nocturnal by nature. In recent decades, as cats have made the big move from the barn to the bedroom, lots of people have discovered their sleep disturbed in one way or another by the nightly “kitty crazies.”

My own worst story was waking up one early hour to feel my adorable and wild-ish Maine Coon chomping deeply into the connecting tissue of my small right toe. Now if you’ve never awoken to the bite of an animal, well, it’s like being chased by a swarm of bees or confronting a mama Grizzly or having to escape from a fire – it’s one of those things that’s always best when it happens to someone else. Continue reading

Categories: Brody, cats, humor, humour, play, sleep | 21 Comments

Why Cats Paint? Was That a Great Book or What??

Why Cats Paint: A Theory of Feline Aesthetics by Heather Busch and Burton Silver. If you haven’t read it what are you waiting for? There is no more mind-blowing book in the whole field or genre.

No one can or should prepare you for your first browse through this mind-blowing collection of cat artists at work. Suffice it to say, when you hand the concept of cat art over to the art snobs you might expect mixed results, but confusion over the authors’ intent is one of the most charming things about this volume.

My favorite artwork in Why Cats Paint aren’t the paintings at all, which I feel are somewhat contrived. Paint’s not the most natural medium for cats. However, some of the installations of cat sculpture done on “found” items, such as sofas and mini-blinds—these felt like true works of bad genius. Like when the cat artists interacted with his or her work, entering and exiting the giant hole they had gnawed in the sofa’s side. I really appreciate this kind of found-object sculpture if it has an interactive performance component, particularly when such works occur at other folk’s houses.

If you’ve seen/read Why Cats Paint, please drop a comment and let me know what you thought. And if you haven’t read it, you might even find Why Cats Paint at the public library, as I was able to, so well known and considered is this fantastically great cat book!

Categories: books, cats, humor, humour, the book | 4 Comments

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