The Cat Who Cried “MWAOWWWaaaOIIOOW!”

The blood-curdling howl ripped me from dream state, and I awoke knowing someone was doing something horrible to something else out there in the night.  Then it all snapped into place like two Legos and my feet flew out of bed bringing me along running with them.  It was five AM and I had to stop the painful sounds of torture — if not any actual torture itself.  I had to consider, what would the neighbors think?

Sure enough, I had awoken to the horrible sounds of another battle-supreme between the two cats who otherwise can’t get enough (sleep on top) of each other.  The “brothers” who are not related, the boys who fill our days with joys have lately become a troubled duo.  Call them Paul and John, they ain’t getting along, at least not all the time like they used to.

As a result of this recent conflict, Brody has developed a cat scream so ludicrously pained and tortured that you are sure he’s being subjected to the kitty equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition or similarly perverse torment event.  But instead of on the rack, I always find him after one of his cacophonous battle screeches locked in a mere stalemate with Panther, and I wonder: how much of my work in the performing arts have really effected my cats?  Is he really getting hurt or is he acting the drama kitty queen to send us running?  Or, possibly, have my interludes into aria singing led to the beginning of a new art form altogether — the cat opera!?

Well, it all has me and Hank singing the battling-cat blues, and wondering what to do with a spoiled little fat cat named Panther who has turned into a raging bitch over his new need-to-slim-down-or-get-sick diet.  Damn cat doesn’t know a pecking order if it came and nailed him on the nose, which it has, ala Brody, more than once.  Panther is a good case for kitty prozac, possibly, but first we’re gonna try every holistic approach we can find.  The problem is serious, and humor only helps so much.

So, we’re going to seek some professional help with all the loads of cash we have lying around over here, what with the economy being so good. In the meantime, I found this list of “holistic approaches” to cat aggression.  I’m going to try some of them, although holding a magnet to Panther’s head for 20 minutes a day also seems fairly extreme as far as home remedies are concerned.